


Lies Are Our Pathway To Heaven

by mazabm



Category: Black Widow (Comics), Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-06
Updated: 2018-12-06
Packaged: 2019-09-12 16:02:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16875879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mazabm/pseuds/mazabm
Summary: The Black Widow deflects on a winter day in Paris.  She leaves a trail of bodies in her wake and a message.  Only the best can ever make her return.The Winter Soldier mission is to bring her back.  He disappears.This is not their love story.No this is their story of survival and how you are never truly too far from home.Or the AU where they manage to survive.





	Lies Are Our Pathway To Heaven

**Author's Note:**

> Somewhere I gave them more agency and made the serums make a little sense, as well as try to correlate real history (as much as the propaganda of the 60s-90s can be correlated) but they still don’t quite make the best decisions.

The Black Widow deflects on a winter day in Paris.  She leaves a trail of bodies in her wake and a message.  Only the best can ever make her return.

The Winter Soldier mission is to bring her back.  He disappears.

This is not their love story.

No this is their story of survival and how you are never truly too far from home.

1.

He dreams in color.  And that is not some poetic statement of how he saw life in only black and white before she waltzed in red hair blazing.  No, her red hair is only one of the markers that made her different from the rest. Her pride for one also did, but no it just says that they tried, and they failed, to take everything from him.  He remembers in color as well but that is years down the line and another story.

The first time they meet, he is her trainer and she is his mission.  The mission is simple. Make her perfect. It is before he remembers that humans are not perfect and that he is a human.  It is not a simple mission and sometimes when he is in the dark hole is that is the cryo-freeze tank, he thinks it will never be complete.

He tells her, later into her training, that he dreams of a boy with blue eyes who grabs at his hand, back before it was metal, (and he cannot tell her how he lost it) who pulls him through a city that is long gone, trying to lead him back to something.  He tells her that those eyes were brighter than a war-torn sky, better than the blue of a future expo.

“Expo?”  She asks, and he bites his tongue when he cannot expand.

They take him from that mission.  Give him another. He completes it.  They wipe him

He tells her that he dreams of a woman with lips painted a bright red and eyes quick and calculating.  He tells her of the feeling of jealousy and the feeling of loss.     She was smart, he tells her, quicker than any man.

“Did you love her?”  She asks, and he shakes his head, the feeling of jealousy creeping in again.  

“Someone else did.” They take him from that mission.  Give him another. He completes it. They wipe him.

He tells her of a train, silver, and sleek.  It’s a trap. He tells her. There is an end and a bright fear.  

“What is after that?” she asks, and he cannot tell her.

They take him from that mission.  Give him another. He completes it.  They wipe him.

And then all he can tell her is the story of snow, of a white cruel cold winter and a pain that will never end.  She laughs at him, white teeth flashing in the light.

“You need to sleep more, Yakov.”

He kisses her once, running his hand through her bright red hair.  They take him from that mission. Give him another. He completes it.

They wipe him

His mission is simple, shoot her mark and watch her actions.  It has been two years since her red hair bled into his memories, into his life.

The year is 1955, she is perfect.

2.

Moscow, Russia: 1955

He is the reason she fails her mission and she doesn't even recognize him.  She is in a cafe in Moscow, drinking the cold away and waiting for her first mark to come through the door.  He is sitting by himself and when she looks at him to gauge his threat level, as she did with everyone else, he looks in her eyes.  His eyes are like dark holes and she does not feel some flash of recognition when she looks in them. All she sees in a man, who is cold and shivering and by the look in his eyes perhaps slightly insane and sad.  She looks away. She is not going to think about the sad man in this cafe, no she has a mark who should be entering anytime soon. She has a mission and the sad man is pushed back into the back of her mind. He leaves anyway, walking stiffly like a puppet who developed his own way.  

Time goes on and her mark does not enter, and she begins to briefly worry and then there is the sound of a shot and she has the privilege of watching her mark fall forward into the window, eyes dead and a hole in his head.  She desperately hopes there is no one to report back the absolutely bewildered look on her face at the sight. There is screaming, and she is running out looking for a shooter. She sees a glimpse of a man with dark brown hair disappearing from a rooftop.  She is angry.

                                                                            ~

“He was shot.”   She snarls to the comrade, anger evident in her every move.  “The target was taken out right in front of me.” The mission was a failure she told them.  Her mission had been to kill him, and she failed and underneath the fury she allowed them to see there was fear and disappointment.   “I failed to take into consideration others who would want him dead. I should have been on higher alert.” Her jaw clenches and she bows her head.   “I apologize for my failure and will take any punishment the Department sees fit to give me.” He is quiet, and she looks down and clenches her eyes shut for a bullet that never comes.

“Did you sight the shooter?”  And she opens her eyes in surprise looking up at the man.  She sees nothing that would give his internal feelings away.

“All I saw was that he was a man, brown hair, professional sniper.”  She has already run through all the possibilities. ‘One of us.’ is almost let off her tongue.  It is possible the shooter was someone who wanted to sabotage her, someone who wanted her down. There is intrigue in his look and what else looks like thinly veiled amusement.

“Let this be a lesson to you Widow.”  He finally says, and her mouth doesn't open in shock. “You are dismissed.”  She leaves with another salute and a sour taste in her mouth. Disappointment in herself sticks to her insides.

They let her sit for a week.  Not sitting exactly, she is still training, still teaching the younger girls how to survive, girls who hear what the outcome of her mission was and feel her anger

“They should have still let you go!”  One of the younger girls said. “You are almost 18 there is no reason for you to even still be here!”  And the Widow does still take the young one to the ground with impressive force. The girl gets back up though because she knows that a Widow could always be harsher. “Or at least let you go on a long mission instead of wasting you here!”  And she frowns before pulling the younger girl into a tight headlock.

“You must learn to be quiet.”  She says to the struggling girl who relaxes and nods realizing she overstepped her bounds.  The girl has a point though and the Widow winches at the thought of spending the rest of her life in the Department.  She will be 18 in less than two months and the last 3 girls they released she had been better and deadlier than. The younger is scratching at her hand and trying not to make a sound but small gasps are beginning to escape her, and the Widow releases her, and the girl goes crashing to the ground, clutching at her throat.  “Everything she did wrong?” She asks the small circle of girls who gather around her. They all stare at the Widow like she is a goddess and that is a heady and addictive feeling that she weakly wants more of.

She pulls the girl aside later that night.  

“You were right.”  She told the girl and she doesn't even look glad to be right because The Widow is continuing.  “But you need to watch your mouth, it is going to get you killed one day.” And the girl nods and the Widow dismisses her and is unsure of why the words in her mouth sound like she heard them from someone else.

They call her back in.

She is not alone. Comrade Anton and another man whose eyes she would recognize anywhere.  The man from the cafe, his eyes still as sad as ever but now laced with a dark amusement of a cat catching its mouse in its trap. It does not take her long at all to put it together. The dark hair, the eyes, this is the man that took her mark and anger makes her eyes flash but still salutes Comrade Anton out of respect.

“At ease, Comrade.” He says, and she does finally allowing him to see her eyes blazing with anger.

“Permission to speak Comrade?”  She asks, and Comrade Anton nods his permission.  “That man,” She says pointing to the man behind Comrade Anton, displeasure clear in her voice, laced with an accusation.  “Is the man who shot my mark.” And Anton chuckles and she looks boldly at him.

“You did tell me she was smart, Anton.”’  And she does not gasp at the sound of his voice, but she does balk.  Anton nods and she feels slightly antagonized and opens her mouth to ask who he is, but Anton holds his hand up.

“Soldier, introduce yourself to the girl.”  And the man nods and shifts and steps from behind Anton and slips his jacket off and her heart catches in her throat and she is standing at attention and praying that they do not kill her for such blatant disrespect.  The Soldier is the Winter Soldier, the best assassin ever in the Soviet Union. He never fails, and she dared to try to stand against him. She would have never lasted a day.

“You can relax.”  The Soldier tells her, and she tries not to shake.  His eyes hold amusement and interest and she is terrified.  “You know who I am?” He asks her, and she nods fervently.

“The Winter Soldier.” And she cannot stop the awe that creeps into her voice and he can clearly hear it because he turns to Anton, amused, and asked.

“What do you tell them about me?” And she answers for Anton.

“You are the greatest assassin that the Soviet Union, the World has ever seen.  Your work has influenced millions.” The Soldier frowns at her possibly out of discomfort or from her disrespect and even Anton just nods.

“I must go,”  Anton tells the Soldier.  “Fill in the girl?” And the Soldier nods and they both salute Anton as he leaves.

“So, you know who I am.”  He tells her. “Now you wonder why I am here.” And she nods warily.  Surely, they did not send the Winter Soldier to kill someone like her.

“First off, you are correct I did shoot your mark.”  And he says it the way someone would say what they are doing for the day, simply as a fact.  “You’re smart and that will help with what we have to do.” She tries to ask what that is, but he continues.  “Second, you passed your mission.” And he glares her down when she opens her mouth to argue. “Tell me, Natalia,” And shock comes into her eyes because she hasn’t heard her name in seven years and he just said it casually.  “What was your mission?” And she is well trained enough to rattle off responses.

“My mission was to ensure the death of the capitalist traitor, Antosho Kot and to ensure that no one would connect me to him.”  And the soldier nods.

“And Kot is dead correct?”  And she mummers an affirmative.  The Soldier shot him, of course, he is dead. “Then unless someone has in the last week connected you to him…”  She opens her mouth to say something and he snaps at her. “Mission. Passed.” And she bows her head. “Flawlessly I might add considering he was already sagging from poison before he's even reached the drop point.”  And she does not shake when he looks appraisingly at her. “When did you first meet the mark?” He asks her, and she curls in on herself.

“6 hours prior to the drop point. He was walking his dog.”  And the Winter Soldier smile is glacial.

“He was practically dead before he got to you and you still considered it a failure.  I can’t tell if its pride, overachieving or just stupidity, Natalia.” And she bites her lip to keep from answering.  "You are aware all three will kill you in the end.” And she doesn't tune him out even though he is just saying what her teachers have been trying to get through to her for the past six years.  “But Natalia,” And she looks him in the eyes that look like he’s about to say something displeasing. “Those will not kill you before the honor does.” And she hides her astonished look. “You came back which showed strong loyalty.”  The Soviet Union was the best union of nations in all the world, he knows that she would not betray her country even if she had been wrong. “And you also told them what you believed was the truth and that was that you had failed. You also did not feel well taking my kill and that shows integrity, a decency one does not expect from an assassin and spy.  An honorable spy and assassin in our line of work is rare and to be prized.” She might be reaching but she thinks that she sees him looking impressed.

“I was just,” She begins, and his face closes off again and he looks furious.

“I don’t care what you _think_ you were doing.”  And his voice is harsh and stabbing.  “But you pull that in the field with me and I will kill you.”  And she should hang on to the entire sentence, but she gets one thing from it, and that is that she is going to work with the Winter Soldier and the excitement must show on her face because he sighs.  “They want you to run one more mission, without my involvement, to prove yourself.” And the file slides across the table to her “Study it and be ready at 0400 tomorrow. The Comrade should be back soon he will brief you more.”  She looks at him, holding the file to her chest.

“Will you be watching?” And his mouth thins into a line.

“Do not add paranoia to that list of weaknesses Natalia.”  He says, and she bows her head at his rebuke before looking up with hardened eyes.

“I am a widow, sir.  I do not have weaknesses.”

The mission is easy, almost too easy and when she is done and leaving the residence, he is there leaning against a pole.

“Lidiya, Mother is waiting, hurry up” And she sinks into the new role easily, walking quickly to join his side.

“I am sorry to keep you waiting, brother.”  She says with an amused bow of her head and he just shoots her a glance as he sets off at a quick pace.

“Report.”  He says, and she opens her mouth to do so.

“It was easy.”  She says. “He didn't even realize I was there until it was too late.”  And he doesn't congratulate her or look proud, but he does give a small smile and she nearly smiled back.

“It will get harder.  You are aware of that right?”  And she is nodding. “Will you be strong enough Natalia?”

As far as understatements go she soon learns that the Winter Soldier is full of them.   They tie her to a bed and inject a serum into her system. She knows the basis of it. It will make her stronger, make her almost on par with the power of the Winter Soldier.  They tell her not to fight it but that is the hardest command to follow. The serum ignites in her blood burning her way through her body and she is sure she screams. She screams thrashes, vomits and fights and at one point she knows she begs.  She is hysterical and delirious and there is a moment where she feels she is sane and she rips herself from the bed, so they hold her down and she breaks free again taking down the guards who underestimated her. And then there are his firm hands pushing her back into the bed.

“Stop, Natalia. Now.” He hisses, and she barely hears him, and she tries to push at his hands.

“It is killing me.” She thinks she says and he just clenches his hand tighter around her throat, the cool metal digging into her skin.

“So, fight it.” And she shakes her head. “I guess I underestimated you then Natalia. You really are as weak as they make you out to be.”  And even half delirious that statement irritates her.

“No.”  She utters, and he growls low and deep into her ears.

“Then listen to me when I say stop fighting it and breathe.  This will be over soon.” And she obeys him and even though her body still shakes she does not attempt to break free again and the pain soon fades until it is but a pang in her side.  And she sits up and unties herself. She is alone and does not call out. Instead, she rises and goes to look in the mirror that stands by the door. She studies herself looking for the changes and there are not many physical ones.  Her hair is longer hanging to the middle of her back now, its color once again a blooming crimson. There is also an energy hanging right beneath the surface of her skin and pulses like another being has taken root in her soul. Her bones crack when she stretches and when she looks up. Comrade Anton and The Soldier stand watching her.

“How do you feel?”  Comrade Anton asks, and she looks past him to the soldier.

“I feel stronger.”  She says, and the Soldier lets out a huff of laughter before he nods at her and fades away.

“Good,”  Anton says clapping his hands together.  “Natalia Romanova, we have a mission to discuss.”  And she does not look back into that room, the nameless girl gets left there, and Natalia pulls her name back into her like a well-missed piece of clothing.

The serum has unintended effects.

She begins to remember.  There is a fire and she’s falling and screaming.  She makes sure not to mention it to anyone lest they take to wiping her as they wipe the Soldier.  She knows they do in the way that when he spars with her sometimes and only when they're alone, he will say her name over and over.

“What?”  She yells.  She is still too emotional sometimes and the critiquing glare he sends her even as sweat covers his face is received with a roll of her eyes.

“Your name.” He says, and she looks bewildered at him.  “I forget it at times.” And it’s the first time she hears the Winter Soldier lie to her.

“They wipe you?”  She asks the first time. The next times she just whispers her name back to him, not letting the Department ever take it from either of them.  It is their first form of rebellion and it starts with memories.

“I met you before.”  She says to him in the darkness of their room.  They are passing off as a married couple to become involved with deflecting Soviet officials. Now they are alone, neither sleeping.  “I met you before the Department.”

“No.”  He answers back in response, he sounds amused.

“I did.”  She says back, certain.  “I called you Yakov, not Zimniy” And she sees the way his body tenses in the moonlight that enters their room.  “They made me forget. Why?”

“Natalia,” He starts and she’s moving before he can get his next word out.  He is standing in a place that gives him the best advantage at catching anyone were they to try to come into their room and she comes behind him.  He doesn’t speak, doesn’t move to get her out his blind spot. He sighs softly.

“Why did they take you from me?”  She says, aware of the connotations and double meanings she has.  He is aware of them too. She moves to touch his shoulders, but he is spinning, pinning her in place with his metal hand closing around her throat.  The contrast of the cool metal and the warm human hand causes her to freeze.

“Enough Natalia.”  He says, and she stares him down, the Soldier’s brown eyes narrowing.

“Why Yakov?”  And she knows she needs to stop, knows in the way his eyes widen and his breaths quicken.

“My mission was to make you perfect.”  He says suddenly, letting her go, stepping back, his tone dismissive.  Natalia has never felt so out of her league. So, confused, so outmatched.  She knows what she remembers, why is he acting like this? “I think it was three years ago.  You know they wipe my memories.”

“How do you remember me then?”  She asks, and he sneers at her.

“The same way you remember me.  The serum that runs through our blood makes not only our bodies stronger but our minds.”

“Is that another side effect?  Will I be like you? Hurt, empty of memories of my past?  Will they take all of it from me? Why did they take you?”

“Too many questions Natalia.  Do not question the Department.”

“Do not question the Union.” She responds back as she was trained too.  “I am not questioning the Union, however, I am questioning you.” She bites out and the flesh of his human hand contacts her cheek.  He surprised her. It stings. Then, he grabs her chin in his hand.

“Memories make you a liability.”  He says, calm and unbothered. “I am important to them.  You are expendable and whatever you _think_ you remember,” And he knows, she knows he does.  “It would serve you well not to mention it to anyone lest you end up dead.”  And he releases her. “Go to bed Natalia, do not do anything stupid.”

“At least tell me why I called you Yakov.”  She says surprised to hear pleading in her voice and he glares her in place.   “Please give me something.” And his eyes soften.

“It was my name from the time before.”  And she tries to connect that to her memories.   “Before I was the soldier. A long time ago, a long time before I met you.”

After she has proved herself, and the serum running through her veins repeatedly, in tests and little tricks.  They finally place her alongside the soldier in missions, her; collecting intel, him; killing marks. They end up for the most part in dark rooms, him, keeping his distance and critiquing her every move.  

“If you feel like you can do my part of the mission better than me,” She finally snaps one day. “Than do it.” He smirks, and she glares at him and when she sees the challenge behind his eyes, her lips curl.  

The mark’s throat on that next mission is slit with his own dagger, surprise, and a smile still on his corpse, blood dripping onto a marble floor.

The deflector files are found in his daughter’s bedroom behind a wall tile, and the whole house burns down.

“The soldier’s talents,” Natalia says, head bowed low.  “Are perhaps better suited to more difficult missions.” They observe her with unreadable eyes and she smirks, her memory clearer than ever.  

“Did you know Ivan?”  She asks. They are on a roof, she wrapped beneath a thick fur, him in his gear. He is adjusting the scope on his gun, head turned away from her, but she hears him swear when she poses the question, innocent and conversational.

“Natalia,” He starts.  Always warning her.

“He saved me from a fire, I think,” She starts, and his metal fist hits the concrete of building, she thinks she hears it crack.  He spins around to face her, drawing closer to her, the closest he has been to her in months.

“When will you learn,” He starts, and she glares at him.

“I remember you telling me your memories because you needed at least one person to know what they did to you, damn the consequences, but when I need,” His mouth opens, probably to rebuke her but it closes.  “It is like a fire within me and I need,” He grips her hand with his, something close to pity in his eyes, and she stops speaking.

“Oh Natalia,” And she will not stand for pity from him, he will not weaken her “Speak,” She looks into his eyes and it is not pity she realizes but understanding.  “Speak of what made you, Widow.” His metal hand drifts to touch her hair. “Never let it consume you.”

And so, she speaks.

He leads her in a spin of a crowded ballroom floor and holds her close, a mockery of a relationship.

“My mother,” She says, looking to everyone watching as someone whispering in her lover’s ears. “Had dark eyes and a look like she was evaluating the whole world, she always made me feel small.” They dance close like that, through missions, her whispering her past within his ears knowing that he might one day be wiped of them.

On the eve of 1956, the Black Widow and the Winter Soldier are camped within a cramped dark room, the only sound the ticking of a watch somewhere.  Outside they hear the streets of a country, gathering within squares to welcome in the new year.

“10 seconds.” He whispers to her.  

“It is almost the new year.”  She whispers in return.

“To the Department.”  He says, inclining his head.

“To the Union.” She responds, her eyes shining brightly.

“Happy New Year Natalia.”  He says, squeezing her hand.

“Happy New Year Yakov.”  A shot rings out into a crowded square.  A woman screams. Someone is wailing.

Iran, 1956

It has been months since she has last seen the Soldier.  The girl that she once took to the ground for defending her too loudly, Yelena, stands beside her. The only other girl to have the name of Black Widow.  The Department knows what it wants from its girls so it’s no surprise that they stand looking alike. Yelena’s blonde hair has been dyed dark brown for this mission, but she still looks innocent.  While Natalia ultimately decided to cover her red hair with a scarf. When Natalia sees that they have sent the soldier to join them, she cannot stop herself from flashing a quick, bold smile at him, the events of 1955 seared into her brain.  She knows that the Soldier might not be as lucky as to remember their missions together, so she adopts a stance of seriousness. However, when the soldier inclined his head to her, a symbol of familiarity, hope stubbornly blossoms in her chest.

“Widows,” He says.  His voice smooth so he must have adjusted to being out of Cryo already. Yelena has frozen beside her in shock and Natalya smirks.

“Soldier, it has been too long.”  She says, gripping his arms, and kissing his cheeks three times. Yelena looks between them, confusion clear on her face.

“When I heard, Widows needed my assistance, I could not stay away.”  Natalia laughs, and Yelena shifts uncomfortably, as does the team of soldiers behind the Winter Soldier.

“Soldier, Yelena, Yelena, Meet the Winter Soldier.”  It is like flashing back to her own “first” time meeting the man, Yelena snaps to a position of attention, amazement in her eyes.

“At ease.”  He tells her, amusement in his eyes too, he looks at her, and Natalia looks down, suddenly aware of herself.  “You are aware of your mission?” He asks. Natalia nods, Yelena opens her mouth to respond. “Good.” He says, and Natalia looks up to meet his eyes again.  “Do not let me complete your mission better than you.” She smirked, realizing this is his way of saying that they once tried and failed to take everything away from him. Yelena looks between them again and Natalia makes sure to erase any feeling from her face.  He should not affect her so!

It is Yelena, out of everyone in the Union, who ends up asking first about the strange relationship between her and soldier.  

“Do you love him?”  She asks, in the dark of their room, as they lay side by side. Natalia scoffs into the girl’s hair.

“Love is for children.”  

Cuba, 1957 - 1959

She is lying out on a chair in front of a private beach of a rich official's home that she is infiltrating when she sees him approaching.  His hair is cut short, his appearance just seems to be deceptively American and she looks away to appear uninterested in anything he has to say.

“You are aware that there is a revolution right now?” She has always been envious of the way English in the American accent he chooses seem to fit him so well.  She tilts her head back to see him in full.

“I missed the last one old man, maybe you can tell me all about it?”  And he chuckles, offering her his hand.

“It has been too long, Lydia.”  He says, her name for this mission rolling off his tongue. “It has been too long” and he pulls her up for a hug and even she is internally surprised but breathes easy when he began to whisper in her ear.

“I’m your partner, ready to assist the revolution, they won’t like our help, it is not as simple as the American media is making it look.  It is not as simple as our files are.” He releases her from the hug. “You will not blend in.” He says almost judgingly.

“I don’t plan to.”  

It becomes the deepest infiltration she has ever done, and he has been right beside her.  It is almost like 1955 but in reverse. In the first year there, she is the one telling him about what he has told her, about his past, about their past.  She is the one that kisses him, and he kisses her back.

“I don’t remember all that it was before.”  He tries to tell her between kisses, she grabs his short hair forcing him to continue to face her, knowing he can throw her off.

“I don’t want before, I want now.”  She wants the man that switches effortlessly between English, Spanish, and Russian.  The man who takes down Batista’s men before they realize he is not a friend. The man who kisses her softly before falling into bed just because he remembers her. She knows what she wants, and she knows that this is only fleeting, and she must take it now because they will take him and wipe him.

“Natalia” He whispers as they fall into bed.  He always did say her name as if he knew it better than she did.  

Thankfully, the war lasts for the next three years, three years of them not wiping him, three years of pretending that this was their life, that together they could.  She doesn't even bother finishing her thoughts because in 1959, they take the Soldier back and she goes into deep cover. She figures she will always have those memories.  

England, 1964

She doesn’t see him that year, but she feels his effects all over the West.  Someone is busy. She, on the other hand, infiltrates military facilities and steals information.  She doesn’t do many assassinations, she’s a spy and a good one, she’s a myth writing reports about herself for the government.  It makes her laugh at the irony.

She is writing a report for one of her missions when she comes across the Captain America files.  Like any true Russian child, the man’s blonde face brings nothing but hate to her heart but her heart stops when she sees his face.  She wants to laugh. They are so stupid. The Winter Soldier is Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes. The American hero is the one causing mayhem in America.   No wonder that they must continuously wipe the soldier, he would revolt if they didn't.  She keeps the information to herself, running it parallel to her memories.

Yakov is James and it only proves that they tried and couldn’t take everything away from them.  Knowing that something else that she has been taught is a lie, knowing that the man who holds half of what she is, is not the man that she thinks he is, shakes her to her core. She closes the files before any spy reports back that Natalia Romanova laughs looking at pictures of Captain America.

America, 1967

She has been infiltrating the American’s space program for years when they send him to collect her.  “Natalie!” Her blood runs cold, that voice, triggers memories in her that she ruthlessly shoves down.  Knowing what she knows she thinks it's stupid they send him here; American children learn his name in their classes.  “Natalie!”

“Sir?”  She says, looking up from her notebook.  It is him, dressed in his military outfit blending into the other Americans so flawlessly, from his accent to the easy smile.  This is a dangerous game they are playing. It's been so long since she's seen him she must crush the feeling to smile back, to embrace him.

“It’s done.”  She doesn't react, just stands and collects her things and leaves with him through the door.  An hour later there is a meltdown in the central system and the entire facility goes up in flames, many lose their lives, some employees are never found.  Some files can never be recreated.

“I had that mission under control, there was no need for intervention.”  She says. She’s older now, doesn’t look like it but she is not the girl that jumped to attention in front of the Soldier. And even as these people, Anton somehow here as well, staring her down, she glares back.   She is a Widow, she doesn’t make mistakes and they ruined her mission, sending the Soldier to collect her.

“Things outside of our control altered plans Widow.”  Comrade Mikhailova says.  Natalia has been reporting everything back to the woman, a KGB operative not trained by the Department but still, earned her respect but even then, she has her questions.  

“What happened and what is the Soldier doing here?”  She’s seen his work, he’s been busy this decade. Presidents, wars.  She darts glances at him, but he doesn’t even recognize her. Those smiles programmed by his new masters.  A tiny piece of her cries out, what have they been doing to him.

“We figured Hydra’s best weapon and the Soviet’s best weapon were better together.” She turns her attention on the person speaking.  Karpov. The Russian turned Hydra, she’s heard of him.

“I thought the Soldier was ours!” She tries to phrase it as a question.

“The Soviets found him, but we made him.  Your Soviet Union would be nothing without our technology. Hail Hydra!”   Karpov says as if he isn’t one of them. The men around the room chorus. She stays pointedly quiet.  

“Vankov has been discovered by Stark, it will not be long before more of our other spies are found.”

“So, you pulled me out before I was done, knowing that there was more I could retrieve.”

“We pulled you because we needed you elsewhere, watch your tone Widow.” Anton states and The Soldier shifts.  Please remember me, she wants to beg. But she is a Widow and they do not beg.

“Now that Vankov has been discovered we need someone new to infiltrate StarkTech for a longer period,” Mikhailov says.

“With all due respect that mission sounds like an individual’s mission, Yelena, perhaps? I and the Soldier’s specialty together might require something different especially because Stark is going to be even more paranoid to accept anyone new into his circle and the Soldier makes an average spy.”

“Does she always question you?” Karpov asks, disgust in his voice.

“There is a reason there are only two Black Widows, sir.”  She says, taking the sir at the end like she remembers that he deserves it.  Hydra, her mind reminds her is chaos and hate, not the order of the Union. She thinks about those pictures of James Barnes laughing and looks to the Soldier, who behind his blank face she swears she can see amusement.  Hydra is a monster and the Department raised Natalia to be able to match them.

“If I work with the Soldier I run point, I don’t work with Hydra thugs. Me and him, and only me and him.”  She says and predictably Karpov protests.

“Absolute-” Karpov starts.

“Agreed,” Comrade Anton says, and she blinks in surprise.  “Having seen their previous work together, it will work. Correct Mikhailov?”  

“No! The Winter Soldier is an expensive Hydra asset.” Karpov argues

“We know.” And by his look at Natalie's face, Anton can deduct what she's thinking. “However, since this will be a Department mission, it makes sense for our operative to run the point.  The KGB with Mikhailov can act as the 3rd party.”  Mikhailov nods.

“So basically, on her own?! This girl,”

“has been running missions with the Soldier for the last 15 years,” she says.  “If there is new protocol I can learn it, but I work well with the Soldier.”

“No one is arguing your record Widow,” Anton says. “Hydra has recently acquired the Soldier so they're” and he stares at Karpov “protective.”

“It is our asset.” Karpov snarls.

“Our Widows have always had a degree of autonomy and have been better for it Karpov.”

“The Soldier is not a Widow!” The man’s practically red now but she knows she’s won.

“He trained them, everything Romanova knows is because he taught it to her, together they are unstoppable, even your trained attack dogs could not keep up with the two of them.” Natalia makes a note of his support, she doesn't know what she'll do with it but keeps it anyway. “Now if you want to test my operatives something we did extensively, you can read the file notes but for now we are done here.” He tilts his head to her. “Teach the Widow, Hydra’s new code words for the Soldier.” The man exhales angrily.

“He will hear of this!”

“I hope so, perhaps he will know that this is still a Soviet operative and since we have the same priorities, we must work together with our best weapons.”  Karpov leaves and Anton looks at the other people in the room who remain. “I need to actually give the Widow and Soldier their missions if you all will excuse me.”. It's a lot more power than the man used to wield, and Natalia quietly wonders what she missed undercover. Once the room is empty he looks up at them.

“You have permission to speak Soldier.” And the man visibly relaxes, he was acting to avoid punishment she realized, the man she knew wasn't gone.

“Why did you do that?” He asks and Anton exhales.

“When we left the Widow and you alone, objectives were always completed better then we could have expected. When you had a “leash” so to speak like it seems Hydra plans to have you on, you less smooth, more prone to lashing out. It's common sense,”

“I do not trust Hydra.” She says. “How did they get him back? What are they doing to him?”

“Hydra has brought us the technology we need to keep the upper hand on the Americans,”  Anton says. “Karpov got the upper hand on us however and activated the Hydra codes.”

“He’s a traitor and a Nazi.” She snaps.  “And we let him have access to the Soldier? We let them have the Soldier?”

“It was not my choice,” Anton says.

“Natalia, it is already done, cut it.” The Soldier says, and she is hit with the urge to tell him the truth, to tell him that he gave his life-fighting Hydra, that they, the Soviets saved him, that he should be theirs.  She doesn’t shiver in front of Anton, but it is close, she missed his voice. She missed him, these past few years.

“What are they doing to you?”  She asks.

“Making sure I am functional, rebuilding their organization.” He says.  “I am not one of you.”

“We saved you!” She says, she turns to Anton.  “Hydra cannot be allowed to destroy him!”

“Natalia, enough!”  She stills under the Soldier’s harsh bark.

“Perhaps we have left you with the Americans too long if this is how you speak to superiors.”  Anton critiques and she bows her head. She is showing too much emotion, they will wipe her if she is getting attached.

“I apologize for my behavior, sir.”  And when there is silence, she looks up to see the two men with their eyes on her. “Sirs?”

“You are the mission, Widow.  Now with Karpov and Hydra temporarily out the way, we are sending you and Soldier to Vietnam, like what you did in Cuba.” He frowns at them.

“Things are changing, and the Department will be on top.  Fill the Soldier in Widow, and I will deal with Karpov. You also have a mission of learning all the Hydra Codes Widow, so they do not have an advantage over us.”  He tilts his head and looks at her. “Do not let the Union down.”

“I never do sir.”  

They do their job, and they do it well.  They’re a machine, a weapon pointed in the direction that the Soviet Union needs.  They are watched closely, myths even among the Department. She is careful, however, careful to maintain a distance between them.  She has their memories; her serum regenerates better than his after all. It is pure selfishness that ensures that she doesn’t ever tell him everything she knows.

It takes five trained mercenaries to take the Soldier down in 20 minutes, it takes her two minutes and she does it by herself. Even his doctors (the scientists who only see him for a science experiment) admit that she is the best partner for the Soldier. Hydra grudgingly makes her his sole partner, it is a victory that comes with more freedom.  She can have him to herself for weeks before Hydra snatches him back, they stop putting him in Cryo and wiping the missions from his brain. It is almost exactly as it was in 55’ or in Cuba, he smiles at her and she thinks that this is how it will always be.

“Why did they take you from me?”   He asks, and she recoils remembering her childish attempts to get him to talk to her in that dark safehouse years ago.

“Memories make you a liability.”  She says. “You told me that.”

“I was stupid,” He says, stepping in close to her.   “Remembering you is the best part of my day.” She laughs like she isn’t terrified.  “I know your name Natalia, what is mine?” She shakes her head, she’s so terrified of triggering him and being unable to stop it because if that happens they will snatch him away. “Natalia, please.” He says reaching for her.

“James.”  She breathes out, the Americanized version of his name leaving her lips and he stares at her. “Your name is James.” She says.  “The Soviets found you, Hydra made you, you trained me.” Short and simple.

“What happened in Cuba?”  He asks. “Not the mission, but between us.”  She freezes as he remains in her space, this isn’t the pale shaking man that is regressing beneath memories or a terrified man being punished by Hydra.  His eyes are focused on her, his arms on either side of her, trapping her. This is her James, her Yakov, the one that stood beside her, crowded in her space. “What were we?  Did you love me?” She flinches.

“James,” She starts, and he kisses her, and it’s messy, uncontrolled.  “James, stop.” And he pulls back like it physically hurts him too and she knows how he feels, she wants him so badly.  He is the biggest constant of her life. “We can’t. They’ll wipe you and Hydra will take you away.” She has nightmares of him trapped in a Cryotank and buried somewhere she can’t find or him being wiped so bad that he looks at her and doesn’t recognize her.  She is so terrified.

“You’re being a coward.”  He snarls at her with no heat and she flinches.  “They’ll wipe me anyway! I am a weapon Natalia, the Asset, and you make me feel human again.”

“You only say that because you can’t remember.”  She says.

“I remember you!” He snarls.

“Because they let you!” She says.  “They will erase every thought of me from you, every emotion you have for me.  I make you weak!”

“Then we need to go!”  He says and she’s shaking her head.  He is being irrational. “We should leave.”

“James.”

“Don’t.”  And his eyes are clear, he’s serious.   “Hydra doesn’t care about me. You don’t even trust them.  The Department doesn’t care about you Natalia, they almost let that serum kill you.  We are the best, no one can bring us down”

“I will give my life for the Union!”  She says. “I can’t defect.”

“They took everything from you Natalia, are you really going to let them take your life?”  And she slaps him, hard, jerking his head to the side. How dare he? When she needed him all those years ago he couldn’t remember and now that she is the one confident in her memories, he would dare speak against her.

“Do not question the Department.”  She tells him, her voice as sharp as ice

“Do not question the Union.” He says, and he looks again to her.  “But I am not questioning them, I am questioning you.” She balls up her fist to avoid hitting him again.  If she was this persistent when she was younger, no wonder he was frustrated with her so. “Natalia, do you love me?”  She looks up to the white ceiling to avoid his eyes, watching her so closely.

“Love is for children.”  She tells him, falling back on what she told Yelena all those years ago.

“We never got to be children, not in ways it mattered.”  She feels his hands settle on her shoulders. “Did you love me?” He asks softly.

“You were the first and only.”  She whispers, and he exhales.

“Then come with me, Natalia.”  He says, and she takes a deep breath.  “We’ve given them everything. Don’t we deserve a chance?”

“I’m sorry.”  She will regret this, and he will never forgive her.  “Longing, rusted,” Her Russian is flawless, and she watches with a heavy heart as his eyes fall closed.  

He was right, she was a coward.  It is the only explanation she has for why she continues the charade.  They fight next to each other like a well-oiled machine but gone are the easy smiles, gone are his knowing eyes.  She once told the Comrade that it would be Hydra that broke him, it turned out to be her and that in turn breaks her.

France, 1970

She is in America when she hears that the Department goes up in flames.  She thinks it’s fitting considering her past. But It isn’t her but Yelena that lights the flame.  She thinks that she’s missed quite a lot dealing with Hydra in the West.

“We have tracked her to this location Widow.”  Anton was killed a few months ago. A new supervisor, Hydra, Comrade Penaslava leads, he holds a much smaller space then the other man did.  “Bring her back alive for programming.”

“The Department burned to the ground, where are you reprogramming her?”

“That is not your concern Widow.”  He says, clearly judging her. “You are to retrieve her.”  She rolls her eyes.

“Yelena,”  She is about to tell the girl to run, that Hydra sent her, that they are close.   

“Natalia!”  It isn’t a hug but a gripping of the arms.  “They’ve betrayed the department, those Nazis! They have destroyed us!

“What did I tell you about watching your mouth?”  She critiques the girl. “They’ve sent me to retrieve you by now they would realize I have no intention of doing so.”

“When did you?”  She asks surprised.

“When they took the Soldier from me and tried to kill me last year.”  Yelena gasps and Natalia winches, her memories aren’t exactly clear, but she knows it was ugly just as she can tell that Yelena is being fueled by her anger, just as she used to be.

“KGB?” She shakes her head, everyone she trusted had either be repositioned or killed.

“Infiltrated, we cannot trust anyone.  And your memories?”

“Ripped from me,”  Yelena says. “They are framing me; Natalia and I cannot stop them!”

“Where is the Soldier?” Yelena asks and Natalia’s heart clenches.  

“Hydra has him.  Our last mission together was three months ago.”  The timeline fits.

“When Anton was killed.”  She says.

“He may have stepped too far but framing you for the downfall of the Department? Ridiculous.  If anyone would take the department down it would be me.” And there is a low anger there for what they have done to her.

“Hydra has plans to take the whole Union, we must stop them, they will wage an unstoppable war.”  War was something that they had grown up in the aftermath of, something they had altered and changed.  Even to defeat the Americans, the thought of an unlivable world was nothing anyone wanted. “We must find the Soldier.”

“He will come to us.”   She knows. “For now, we must find a way to escape, there are eyes all around.”

“With me,” Yelena says.  “I have contacts.”

 

America, 1968

The world is burning.

“I remember.”  He tells her. There are riots all over the country and for once they don’t have to do anything.  It’s a lull for them and he slides into her space. “I remember you loving me.”

“James.”  She says. She uses his American man all the time now, it’s her rebellion.  One day, she is going to give him his file, and together they are going to tear Hydra now.  That day is not today. “I’m so sorry.” The look he gives her is one of pain.

“You said you loved me.”  He says. “That I was your first.”

“My only.”  She finishes, and she reaches out to him and is stunned when he lets her hold onto him.  “I was being a coward. I know what decision to make now, we can do it!”

“I missed you, Natalia.”  He says. “They tried to wipe me but all I could think of was your betrayal.”

“The Union,” She starts.

“Took everything from you.”  He says, “And you let them take me.”

She sits up, breathing hard. He lies beside her, still as if he is in Cryo.

“James.”  She whispers.  “We have to go.” He chuckles softly and reaches out to her.

“Relax, Natalia.  Everything will be okay.  Hydra will protect us. We will never be apart again.”

She sits up, breathing hard.  He lies beside her, so still, she would think he was dead.

“James.”  She whispers.  “What is happening?”

“We are free.”  He says. “We are going to be free.”            

She sits up, breathing hard.  The doctors all around her. One stops looks her in her eye.

“Natalia Romanova.  Are you ready for the mission?”

“I am always ready, sir.  I am a Widow.”

1970, Paris, France

“We should have run back then.”  She tells Yelena. “In 67, now we have no idea where he is.”

“He is the only one who can bring us back,”  Yelena says, confident and shining. “They will send him.”

“And if they don’t?”  Natalia asks. “We have remained here, for weeks.”

“They’re following our trails through East Europe, but they will be here.”  Natalia looks back at the blonde girl, no woman that she trained. “I’ve been playing as a rich man’s wife while Hydra has been destroying my country from the inside.  They will pay.”

“What happens when we get him?” Natalia asks and the woman looks down.

“We split.  Two assassins together, sure, but the Winter Soldier’s and the last two surviving Widows of the Department, they’ll hunt us down.  We have to destroy their hold on the Union.”

“We have no idea how deep their hold is,”  Natalia says banging her fist on the side table. “The Department’s methods have left us crippled.”

“We will root out Hydra,”  Yelena says, no demands. “We have to”

Hydra hunts them across the world as they remain in Paris.  Yelena takes her to plays and restaurants. “Enjoy this western decadence for a second Natalia.  We never got it as children.” It is at one of these plays that she is almost shot. He misses. That is the only way Natalia knows that she is alive.  He misses. That is how she knows that he remembers.

They lure him back towards their safehouse, careful of their blind spots moving quick enough that he can’t get another hit off them.

“We will not split up!”  She tells Yelena. They can’t.  She is the only one who can defeat the soldier because he made her, he will kill Yelena and he told her he was tired of killing.  It is fitting she thinks, that they will be his last mission, one way or another. Another shot misses. They’ve made it and she watches carefully overhead.

“Yelena, go, inside.”  The woman darts away and Natalia stays.  He lands softly in front of her, in combat uniform, she watches him pull out his pistol.  She is going to die.

“I am not missing.”  He says and her blood goes cold.

“James.”

“Don’t, Natalia.” He says and she has never been so afraid to hear her own name.  “You betrayed us.”

“I did not betray my country.”  She says. “The Union,”

“I am not one of you. My loyalty is to Hydra.”

“James Buchanan Barnes, Hydra destroyed you.”  She hopes his full name would make him shake and it does, the pistol wavers.  “They call you the asset, they killed your best friend, Steve Rogers, and they killed you, they took your arm, your memories, everyone you have ever loved. ”

“I am their weapon.”

“Not with me James, never with me.” He reaches out and grabs her and she thinks this is it, but he pulls her down and they hear bullets fly above them.

“Don’t move.” He says.

“They tried to shoot you!”  She snarls.

“I know.”  He says. “They were willing to kill me to kill you.  They think you corrupted me beyond fixing.”

“Who is expendable now?”  She mutters, and he looks down at her and laughs.  They roll out the way. He uses his metal arm to block bullets and eventually the barrage stops.  

She's excited that he chooses to follow them when Yelena manages to get a car to get them away.

 

“Did you love me?”  He asks her quietly in the dark of one of their safe houses.

“You were my first.”  She tells him. “You were my only.” 

 

She writes down his file from her memory and gives it to him, he vanishes into a room and does not exit for hours.  She does not bother him.  She tried only speaking English to him but he gets angry and they revert back to Russian or whatever the language of the country they are in is.  She plans.

Yelena has since moved on, she gets in contact when she can but they know it is only a matter of time before one or all of them are found, the less they know of each other the better.

She cannot bare to leave him, not as he locks himself away and screams as his memories come back to him.  They have no one to turn too for help, for everyone she knew is either dead or a traitor and he, he still looks the same age as when he orginally died, everyone he loved, by now must have grown up.  She knows that terrifies him.

"We have to go to New York."  He tells her quietly, one night.  She had written down his code words, he knows each one, has tested his response to them, Hydra will have to fight hard to control him again, he has ensured it. She wonders what lies in New York for him, what he hopes to find. 

 

Before they leave Europe, they dance together, like they did once on a mission, and she whispers to him their shared history, all of the memories that she could never bare to share with him and when he kisses her, it feels like he is saying goodbye. 

But they are alive, and they are free.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this years ago and it's as done as it ever will be I think. I may write a sequel (concerning the present-ish) but we'll see.


End file.
